If you’re having a busy day and could stand to save some time, I’ll sum the entire Men’s Health article up for you right here in one sentence: All of the pizzas listed in the Men’s Health magazine article titled “Best and Worst Pizzas in America” are garbage pies—even the ones they liked.

Now that you know where I’m coming from, I hope you’re still interested in reading. Because I’m going to show you why Men’s Health is clueless about pizza. Sure, they probably know nutrition all day long. I won’t argue that. But they definitely don’t know pizza.

That’s my job. I’m the Pizza Expert. Right? I eat pizza almost every friggin day of the week, man. I love pizza and I really, really, really hate bad pizza.

So here’s what got me fired up about Men’s Health doing pizza: they focus on the healthy aspects like nutrition and stuff, but they totally ignore how the pizza itself tastes or what it’s really made from.

In fact, right off the bat they make the biggest faux pas you can make when looking at pizza. The first thing they do is try to equate Red Lobster with pizza. Anyone who even includes Red Lobster on their pizza list is just begging to be spun in the air and buried in yesterday’s bad dough.

At least they mentioned the Jumbo Shrimp Cocktail. I might have forgiven them since they switched from “Red Lobster: pizza” to “Red Lobster: seafood.”

Then they totally blow the whole Red Lobster/pizza thing out of the water by bringing up Papa John’s. Worse, they bring up the vegetarian PJ’s. Then they offer another PJ as a substitute. Let me tell you something. Papa John’s is to pizza like Wendy’s is to hamburgers. They make a marginally good product and the guy who fronts them is a nice dude. But really, they aren’t GOOD, just not as bad as McDonald’s or Dominoes.

Then comes Sbarro’s stuffed pizza followed by Sbarro’s fresh tomato pizza. The first is like a huge New York hot dog stuffed with everything bad for you, except it’s from the twitchy guy outside the ballpark so all that stuff that’s not good for you isn’t really all that tasty or good for the gastronomy either. The second is like a garden salad with crappy bread underneath it. Do the math.

Then comes Romano’s Macaroni Grill. Here’s a tip: just because the joint and the pie have Italian/Greek-sounding names doesn’t mean they’re “authentic.” It probably means they serve sub-par food to act as a front for the real goings on in the back of the place. You know, guys named Vinnie, poker games, occasional gunfire. That kind of thing. Macaroni Grill has had some of the worst pizza we have reviewed on this site: Stay away.

Then they mention Pizza Hut. Let me tell you the difference between Pizza Hut and Dominoes… Pizza Hut has chairs and a salad bar. Otherwise, I’m pretty sure they use the same ovens and same cut-rate minimum wage labor to produce their cardboard with pepperoni on it.

Next up, Uno Chicago Grill. I can’t comment here, since I am not sure if they are talking about the franchise one, or some original one with no relation. From their description, though, it sounds delightful, which leads me to believe it is the franchise one since it just tastes so processed that it can’t be good. At this point, down to their number one pick, I’m willing to bet that if Men’s Health has it on their list and it’s not “mainstream,” it’s probably good stuff.

Now, they get into the best pizzas in America. Considering how well they did with the worst pizzas, how well do you think they did with the best picks? Exactly, they included Chuck E. Cheese on their list. ‘Nuff said.

Here’s my advice: if Men’s Health says anything about pizza at all, ever again… burn the issue. Don’t keep reading, don’t hope there’s a great piece on how to knock your thirty minute jog down to twenty-eight minutes. Just burn the issue and walk away.

Then go get pizza. Real pizza. If you don’t know where to get real pizza, surf around my site. Go ahead, skip the jog and workout today and look for a good pizza joint instead. It’s worth it.