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Miami-Dade Prosecutor Goes To the Dark Side of the Pie

pissed_pizza.jpgWelcome to the wonderful, odd, and (sometimes) tasty world of pizza.  The Pie has the power to inspire love, peace, and harmony.  It also has a dark side.  An evil side.  The burnt-crust, slimy cheese, nasty anchovy heads side that causes war, famine, pestilence, and violence.

Today, we’re going to look at that dark side.  The Vader side of pizza.  It involves a prosecuting attorney from Miami-Dade County, an innocent delivery woman, and Domino’s Pizza.

David Ranck, an attorney of controversy, a public servant with misdemeanor tendencies, and a questionable outlook on life was already well on the road towards joining the Dark Side.  Then, he called one of the most evil entities on the planet.  One that has branch offices all over the world to spread its evilness to all (in 30 minutes or less).

Meanwhile, a young woman, fresh to the shores of America and new to the land of Florida,  had accepted work with the Evil Pizza Empire–not knowing their vile plans for world domination through the secret Power of Indigestion.  The woman, Yudisceus Rodriguez de Armas, became a pizza delivery woman.

When Ranck called to order his newest slice of soul-blotching pie, he expected the Force to arrive within 30 minutes to his condo in Miami Beach.  Little did he know that the gate which secured his property from theft and burglarations was closed.

When sweet Yudisceus arrived, the gate was barred and she had no access.  She did what pizza delivery people the world over are trained to do: she called Ranck’s phone to ask for admittance to deliver his order.  Ranck, being near total servitude to the Dark Side, was angered and quickly showed his temper to the girl at the gates.

The details of the great battle are sketchy and witnesses are scarce, but a punch was thrown at innocent Yudisceus Rodriguez de Armas and the police, they did arrive.  Luckily, despite the violence and the pain and the sure legal battle to come, one thing is known for certain.  That one thing could be what saves the day, what redeems the barrister from certain servitude to the Dark Side.

That one saving grace, the light that shines upon the darkness that is Domino’s…  the pizza remained undelivered and uneaten by Ranck.  He was saved from the final clutches of the Power of Indigestion and the slime-coated, hellish zombie oblivion that is the blue and white box of certain damnation.

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